November 29, 2011

Work is shit, but it provides the means to buy things that I need

So here's how I interpret things that's listed on my payslip:

The Money I Earn:

Overtime pay - The total hours of work that I have been ordered to complete due to other's incompetence which is also good since it gives me extra time to earn money and slack off simultaneously.

Basic pay - The amount of money which I am very much unsatisfied with and is also the amount of money that I have agreed to be paid in place of my services but keep up with it since it is easier to stay than look for another job.

Night differential - The payment that I receive for not receiving pleasurable sleep and could also be the compensation for the amount of brain and blood cells that I lose each night.

Other premiums - The payment that I receive to let me believe how intellectually adept I am to handle this kind of job and will be used to equate the deductions that will eat up most of my salary.

Total Deductions A.K.A. The Total Destructions Of My Dreams:

HDMF Premium (Pag-ibig) - Deductions for my future house and lot, not entirely significant due to the amount deducted every cut-off.

Philhealth Premium - Deductions that will pay for my hospital bills for eating and drinking too much or basically living my life and abusing my normal bodily functions and is usable at the age of 50 and above.

SSS Premium - Deductions which will make me feel secure at the chance that my kids will abandon me at my senile years and will be the money that I will use to pay for Internet subscription when I am old and useless.

Withholding tax - The punk-ass bitch that I think is not necessary since the government does not give me what I want which is the entirety of my salary and things that I apparently use everyday but does not improve in spite of the fact that I work my ass to pay for these so-called government plans.

HMO Deduction - The payment I provide for the security of my beneficiaries and I wish the withholding tax would just be transferred under this category.

Additional allowances:

Rice subsidy - The peak of all the allowances which provides sustenance to my daily hunger and does not equate to the amount of rice that we buy each month and the money that I most probably have spent on cigarettes and alcohol.

Meal allowance - The insignificant amount of money that I get since I don't buy meals at the office and should be renamed into "cigarettes and alcohol" allowance.

Laundry allowance - The amount of money that I should be paying my mother for the laundry that she does for me.

Uniform and clothing allowance - The amount of money that I should be using to replace all my daily-worn Artwork shirts and is also the amount of money that I should be spending to look more like a working professional/human being rather than a mindless hobo.

0 Winners: